the night before Christmas

So it's Christmas Eve. The tangled lights around the tree are casting a spell on my vision. Light seems to be glittering everywhere. Quietly I sit here on this fluffy sofa, almost in unbelief that Christmas is actually here. Where did all the weeks go that protected me from this special day? Christmas kinda crept up on me this year. I'm prepared according to cultural standards. My gifts are purchased, the house is clean and decorated, all the food is prepared, the family is here. Yet somehow it still doesn't feel like Christmas to me.

Which urges me to wonder ... what makes Christmas "Christmas"?

It could be nostalgic snapshots that roll though my mind: Watching my family talk and laugh among one another while I listen from a distance with a warm cup of tea in my hands. Younger siblings shrieking in delight as missed relatives pull into our driveway. Apple spiced candles burning on the fireplace mantel. The beautiful green wreath enclosing five candles representing the many wonders of our Savior's birth. The music of merry celebration. The thrilling sound of paper tearing followed by squeals or tears of joy. Christmas arouses memories filled with warmth, joy, and the smell of cinnamon.

But also I wonder what made the first Christmas special. I don't think it induced the same vanilla-coated memories I associated with this holiday. It probably felt like an ordinary day. Forget Christmas spirit and red ribbons. Life was closing in from every corner. Demands, dust, and danger were the decorations of Mary and Joseph's first Christmas. They were far from family, home, and comfort. But God was near. So near in fact, they could stroke His face with their fingers.

My point is ... whether we feel "Christmasy" or not ... Jesus is near. He invaded life in the form of a helpless, tender baby, and grew up to become our sacrificial substitute -- ultimately changing the world and eternity forever. He didn't wait until everyone was gathered around the tree with fidgety anticipation. He came on a silent night, but it was a holy night. He came so we could be near God. And that nearness is what I love about Christmas. Family, gifts, cocoa, and Christmas lights do make me happy. But it is the quiet, thankful moments I cherish the most. Thank You, Jesus, for coming so I could be near You, especially on Christmas ... and the night before.

Why I Write

Perhaps there are chuckles at the subject of this post due to my apparent lack of writing around here, but I couldn't help but post this nonetheless. I have a quote my Mom found for me written on the inside of my journal that continues to inspire me to write, even when it feels risky. I googled it the other day for some background information since I am preparing to begin a new journal soon (thus a new inscription), when I came across the entire passage in which the quote was taken from. It was one of the most beautiful and eerily familiar descriptions I have ever read about the motivation and resolve I feel when I write. It was like the author pulled it right out of me and put it on paper. It's long, but oh so good. I broke it into paragraphs so it would be easier to read.

I write to make peace with the things I cannot control. I write to create red in a world that often appears black and white. I write to discover. I write to uncover. I write to meet my ghosts. I write to begin dialogue. I write to imagine things differently and in imagining things differently perhaps the world will change. I write to honor beauty. I write to correspond with my friends. I write as a daily act of improvisation. I write because it creates my composure. I write against power and for democracy. I write in a solitude born out of community. I write to the questions that shatter my sleep. I write to the answers that keep me complacent.

I write to remember. I write to forget. I write to the music that opens my heart. I write to quell the pain. I write to migrating birds with the hubris of language. I write to a form of translation. I write with the patience of melancholy in winter. I write because it allows me to confront that which I do not know. I write as an act of faith. I write as an act of slowness. I write to record what I love in the face of loss. I write because it makes me less fearful of death. I write as an exercise in pure joy. I write as one who walks on the surface of a frozen river beginning to melt. I write out of my anger and into my passion. I write from the stillness of night anticipating--always anticipating.

I write to listen. I write out of silence. I write to soothe the voices shouting inside me, outside me, all around. I write because of the humor of our condition as humans. I write because I believe in words. I write because it is a dance with paradox. I write because you can play on the page like a child left alone in the sand. I write because it belongs to the force of the moon: high tide, low tide. I write because it is the way I take long walks. I write as a bow to wilderness. I write because I believe it can create a path in darkness. I write because as a child I spoke a different language. I write with a knife carving each word through the generosity of trees.

I write as ritual. I write because I am not employable. I write out of my inconsistencies. I write because then I do not have to speak. I write with the colors of memory. I write as a witness to what I have seen. I write as a witness to what I imagine. I write by grace and grit. I write out of indigestion. I write because I am starving. I write because I am full. I write to the dead. I write out of the body. I write to put food on the table. I write to the other side of procrastination. I write for the children we never had. I write for the love of ideas. I write for the surprise of a beautiful sentence. I write with the belief of alchemists. I write knowing I will always fail. I write knowing words always fall short. I write knowing I can be killed by my own words, stabbed by syntax, crucified by both understanding and misunderstanding. I write out of ignorance. I write by accident. I write past the embarrassment of exposure.

I keep writing and suddenly, I am overcome by the sheer indulgence, the madness, the meaninglessness, the ridiculousness of this list. I trust nothing, especially myself, and slide headfirst into the familiar abyss of doubt and humiliation and threaten to push the delete button on my way down, or madly erase each line, pick up the paper and rip it to shreds--and then I realize, it doesn't matter, words are always a gamble, words are the splinters of cut glass. I write because it is dangerous, a bloody risk, like love, to form the words, to say the words, to touch the source, to be touched, to reveal how vulnerable we are, how transient we are. I write as though I am whispering in the ear of the one I love. {emphasis mine}

-- Terry Tempest Williams, Red: Passion and Patience in the Desert

I mean, I want to put this in a frame and hang it on my wall. For me, writing is as much a form of worship as singing or praying or reading. It is almost beyond my control, in that I can't help but do it. Yes it is hard and humiliating and vulnerable and terrifying. But it is also beautiful, precious, calming, and life-changing. Indeed it is "a dance with paradox."

silent fears that aren't so silent

Sometimes I feel as if I am standing on the edge of something great, something awesome, something absolutely terrifying. Teetering between taking one step back toward the safety of the familiar or one step into the unwritten future, I am calculating the cost of both. History can be comforting and confining. I struggle to move away from what I know, yet I silently yearn for the unvoiced melodies to be discovered by taking a step into what is uncomfortably new. The choice watches me as a wake, sighs when I sleep, whispers as I venture about my day. Don't be afraid if the door is opening. Walk on.

It's amazing to me how much our daily choices reflect what we are afraid of. If it is unknown, different, or frightening we automatically choose the safest route away from what we are silently afraid of. Oftentimes we don't even recognize it. Maybe we blame our safe choices on our "personalities"... you know, I just don't like "change" or "the unknown". Well -- newsflash -- no one really likes change. It's uncomfortable. It feels weird. It makes us change when sometimes we really don't want to. So perhaps technically we could all use that excuse. It's in all of our personalities to make the safe choice, to do what is comfortable, to try our best to keep things just the way they are.

But sometimes God is calling to us over the cliff. It's part of growing. We must take a deep breath. We must take the jump. We must change. In our hearts we know this is the truth and we know it's very good. But yet that queasy stab of fear grouts our feet to the floor. Maybe if we don't move at all He will stop pushing. Nope. Because of the cure of fear: love.

What we are afraid of will dictate -- unless we trust something greater than fear. "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love." (1 John 4:18) Perfect love talks louder than fear. How? Through inserting a foundation firm enough to walk on, deep enough to trust, loud enough to hear, and constant enough to follow. If someone is waiting on the other side of your fears with a grip on your heart stronger than you first assumed, well that just might change everything. In fact, it does.

shake the world again

To eat, to breathe

to beget
Is this all there is
Chance configuration of atom against atom
........... of god against god
I cannot believe it.
Come, Christian Triune God who lives,
Here am I
Shake the world again.

{Francis Schaeffer}

it's a perfect day

And here I am again -- the bad blogger - seeking to redeem lost time and posts with a fresh hello. There is just no time for blogging anymore! I have still managed to maintain a healthy personal journal, but my blogging so easily gets shoved aside on my way to getting things done. All that to say -- hello, I'm still here, I know you thought you would never see another post from me, but I thought I would shock you.

In other news, autumn is soooo close! As I write this post, my windows are open allowing the soothing sounds of crunchy leaves and wind to set the mood. It's a perfect day. Autumn is the most wonderful season ... in my personal opinion. :)

Lately I have been thinking about knowing Christ, in particular from the perspective of Paul who penned the verses "Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ." (Phil 3:8) I know I have blogged again and again about these verses, but, I mean, this attitude is incredible! But my great sorrow is that I don't possess this attitude most of the time. I get distracted, complacent, and comfortable in my progress as a believer -- instead of running hard after Jesus. But, the motivation for pursuing Christ is clearly seeing the great, surpassing value of knowing Him. I want this vision. I want a greater taste of the mind-blowing value of knowing this Savior.

vision of a sunset

I stare
at a sunset.

last moment of daytime beauty
before her last breath is taken
and she sinks beneath the tree line.

my world is tinted in gold
rays of yellow kiss the silence around me.

as a mother lowers herself to look
into her child's face
i look the sunset straight in the eyes
with no fear.

the pace of dusk is haunting
mesmerizing
captivating.

colors shoot like fireworks out of her smile
the sky is polluted
with whispering glory.

I stare
at a sunset.

her call comes to us every evening
tugging at our sleeves

tonight our eyes met
I could not look away.

wonder floods my vision
sending echoes of clarity
into every sacred place beneath my skin.

listen to her wordless sermon.

loneliness is not the doom
or patient torment of existence.

through her voice
i hear the pulses of a heart
far greater than my own.

this moment
this beauty
is a fraction of the glory of God.

and I stare
at a sunset.

two years old

Well today is Alabaster Box's second blogoversary! It almost slipped past me without notice! I'd like to take this moment to thank all of my incredible readers for making this journey inspiring and encouraing. You all have no idea how often I have been blessed by your words of kindness throughout these two years.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

and life moves on

You know that life is moving faster than you can keep up with when you carry around your day planner instead of a good book. My semester has begun and it is time to bid summer a tender farewell. But I am kinda ready for new seasons. That delightful autumny nip is in the air -- and I am ready to welcome this season.

Last Thursday was my birthday. 22 years old. Such milestones make me look back and remember past seasons with gratefulness. I told my Mom the other day, "I look back and see that I have come a long way ... but I still have so far to go." That's ok. The journey offers many joys and sorrows, hard lessons and abiding love, sweet memories and hope for the future. It's a good life.

Yesterday on my walk I noticed a delicate leaf slightly painted with scarlet and gold, and I remembered back to the post I wrote around this time last year about rushing the seasons. I went back and re-read it this morning. It still rings true. Yet, maybe (hopefully) I have grown in patience. I am strangely restful and hopeful right now. God promises to complete the work He has started in me (Phil. 1:6) and He promises that I will reap a harvest if I do not loose heart (Gal. 6:9). And I believe Him.

a long-lost update

Honestly, I am surprised to know that people still read this blog, or at least that is what my stats tell me. I kinda want to offer some sort of apology but I think I have already done that a few posts ago ... time seems to skip by without my noticing. I was shocked to learn that today is August 1st. I mean, it's August! I was actually really excited, because it means autumn is almost here. Yes, dear readers, I still possess my strange but happy obsession with fall and all things related. I noticed today that there is a young maple tree in our backyard that has already began to flush crimson. Unbelievable. I feel like I am still living in June or something, but my calender tells me it is August. Strange.

Lots has been going on around here -- nothing especially exciting, but I have been keeping myself busy. But busyness can become a curse if I am not careful. It is so easy to hide behind it. I don't make time to think or pray or write or be -- because life is moving faster than I am able to keep up with. Being aware of such a thing has made me look for applications to help me slow down and discern what, why, where, and how I am doing on my journey with Christ and others. I have found journaling to be the perfect exercise.

Making myself sit down and put thoughts to paper is a challenge. Some days are easier than others, but when I do journal I feel much more coherent. I bought a book the other day called Creative Journal Writing, and thus far have truly enjoyed it (I am still in the early pages, so I cannot vouch for future content as to recommend it). I find that the more frequent and honest my journal entries, the more fruitful my mental and spiritual activity becomes. So I thought I would pose the question to you few faithful readers out there -- what do you think about busyness? Are there ways you have found to cope, eliminate, or deal with it? And do any of you find journaling a helpful antidote for life?

words in my bones

"So you want to be a writer?" I often ask myself.

Yeah. I think so.

It’s a weird decision because it is actually not a decision. Writing is something I cannot help but do. It is like a birthmark never to be removed, like a fire in my bones. When I write it is absolutely satisfying and terrifying all in the same instance. But I want to do it. I feel called to do it. And that pushes me to continue even when each word is a tangled web of thorns I must unravel to procure beauty.

From a very early age I remember loving journals. Books filled with lined, empty pages craving to be filled with the curious and perhaps creative scribbles of an ink pen. I wanted to fill them, but not with just anything. I wanted the words to be good and edifying. I remember visiting my older brother’s college when I was in first grade. As I walked down the halls of the study areas, I watched as hundreds of people shuffled back and forth with stacks of books and papers as they read and wrote with purpose -- and I recall the feeling I had as I observed them: I want to do this too.

Various movies and books also inspired this desire. Characters from beloved stories like Jo March in Little Women, Anne of Green Gables, and any character who simply desired to write from their soul in hopes of changing the world, absolutely inspired me. And they still do.

That same childhood impulse rises again whenever I walk into a Barnes and Nobles bookstore. The smell. The items. The paper. The atmosphere. It all permeates of the writing life that I desire to be a part of. And maybe I will one day. Maybe…

Action is Required.

I was listening to someone talk about Christians the other day. Unfortunately the conclusion of the discussion ended with this thought: Christians are so apathetic.

We love the Word, we love hearing awesome speakers, we love getting together to discuss what we learn -- but we lack the motivation to do anything as a result of truth. This is why Jesus' words concluding the Sermon on the Mount were so powerful to me. Not only does Jesus demand that we hear His Word, but that we must act on what we have heard.

"Therefore everyone who hears these words of Mine and acts on them, may be compared to a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and yet it did not fall, for it had been founded on the rock. Everyone who hears these words of Mine and does not act on them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. The rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and it fell--and great was its fall." (Matt. 7:24-27 NASB)

If we would only follow our Master's example. He did not recline in heaven watching as we drifted further and further into destruction. He acted. He stepped into our story -- He became our story -- and changed the world forever. His action should motivate us to act on His words.

Why don't we act? I can only speak for myself: I hear His words -- and they are good -- but the action (or lack thereof) silently proves that either I don't believe Him to be true, or that I value my own opinion and complacently more than His demands. Both options are sinful -- and the result, as Jesus said, is destruction.

"But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like. But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing." (James 1:22-25 ESV)

So ... what action is God requiring you to take? What has He spoken to you? Have you heard His words and failed to move? Are you adding to the library of knowledge and failing to exercise application? These are the questions I ask myself today.

home again

So after 11 amazing days of camp -- I am home again. What an experience! Even today as I was thinking over all of the joys, trials, laughter, friendships, breakthroughs ... my heart was overwhelmed with gratitude. God is faithful. God is near. God is at work.

Thank you to everyone who was praying for me and the students attending. I definitely felt your prayers and support. Not surprisingly, the entire week held a substantial amount of warfare felt by both counselors and students. I was amazed at God's power to break through many seemingly impossible barriers and He glorified Himself. It was breathtaking to behold God at work.

Now as I settle back into "normal" life, I am faithfully striving to sync what I have learned with my surroundings and habits. Camp is such an awesome experience that I don't want to waste. I am going through a lot of sifting and sorting, praying that God solidifies what needs to stay and grow. Hopefully more than a few posts will come as a result of this. For right now, I am just enjoying the soothing rhythm of my keyboard and the almost unfamiliar joy of watching words appear.

How is everyone's summer going?

let's see if I can turn this into a blog post...

Have I forgotten how to write? You might assume I have seeing that the blog posts have been rather scarce lately. Honestly I have tried to get together several posts but nothing seems to be flowing correctly. Just for the record, I am working on finishing some posts answering the questions you all asked a few weeks ago, but that too is under lagging construction. Just so you know that I haven't fallen off the planet (or blogosphere), I am sending out an "I am alive, but my pen stopped moving" post.

In other news, I am preparing to head to summer camp until late next week serving as a counselor to about +15 teenagers. I am excited/nervous about that -- I have been working on the study everyone will be going through and it is incredible to say the least. I pray God uses me in ways that only He can in these camper's lives. So, if no new posts pop out next week I have a better excuse than what I am attempting to offer right now. If you wouldn't mind praying for me I would be SO GRATEFUL. This is going to be an intense week of study/mentoring/exercise.

I shall close with a few scraps of poetry I have been playing with. Hope everyone is enjoying their summer!

Your words are the deepest channel
constant and strong
soothing famished roots and broken souls.

When I plunge deeper
You are deeper still, faithfully restoring
perfect strength and living hope.

When I grow shallow and my soil turns to dust
You send water from the heavens
and revive my weakened trust.

You are near, always deeper
than my mind could ever plummet.
You are below me, all around me
a song that can't escape my head.

love the bird, dear

This morning brought a thump
upon my window
I peered out to see a bird
fallen from his flight
crumbled, broken, shaking in fear,
limp from impact, his feathers askew.

My heart retreated for protection,
never to love a dying creature.
For pain can only be gained, this I know.
Chided by the Lord at my frigid heart,
I heard strong whispers, "Love the bird, dear, love the bird..."
Why? For what profit? It is dead for sure...

"If you never love the dying--
you shall never love at all"

Sisters and mother gathered to the window.
I wanted to shelter them for despair,
"I think he is gone, don't look for long."
Mom said a prayer, "Jesus heal this poor bird,"
and I stood from afar and scoffed,
"The bird is dead -- don't waste a prayer."

Minutes inched by, the bird began blinking--
we all stared in wonderment.
I walked outside and nudged him with a branch...
Up and away he flew into a crayola blue sky
healed and alive -- living to fly again.
My heart smarted from conviction:

If I never love the dying--
I shall never love at all.

an embrace that can't be torn asunder

What is it that I love in loving You? You are the light that shines into my soul which no physical place can contain, where time does not snatch away the lovely sound, where no breeze disperses the sweet fragrance, where no eating diminishes the food, and where there is an embrace that can't be torn asunder. This is what I love when I love my God.

What is this God? I asked the earth, and it answered, "I am not He." Everything in the earth made the same confession. I asked the sea and the deeps and the creeping things, and they replied, "we are not your God; seek above us." I asked the fleeting winds, and the entire air with its inhabitants answered, "I am not God." I asked the heavens, the sun, moon, and stars; and they answered, "Neither are we the God whom you seek."

I replied to all these things that surround me: "You have told me about my God, that you are not He. Tell me something about Him." With a loud voice they all cried out, "He made us." My question had come from observing them, and their reply came from their beauty of order.

Isn't this beauty of form visible to all whose senses are unimpaired? Why, then, does it not say the same things to all? Animals, both great and small, see but are unable to question its meaning. Their senses are not endowed with the reason that would enable them to judge the evidence their senses report.

-St. Augustine

Capriciousness and Camomile

(This is a follow-up to my questions post from a dew days ago. I have decided to break  some of the questions into individual posts for space and clarity.)

Kit (echoed by Jen and Camille) asked: "How in the world do we as women deal with our crazy up and down emotions, particularly from a Biblical perspective? Have you had experiences like this, and what did you do? And what tea did you drink while you were doing it? :) "

To begin, yes, I do struggle with my emotions. And hopefully I am learning to handle them better through God's grace and truth, though I am by no means an expert. I only know that the goal of my life is "to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God." (Col. 1:10) Applying this to my emotional life has helped shape a backbone into a somewhat varied and unstable issue.

But let me quickly address a common false assumption among many truth-loving Christians regarding emotions. First of all, emotions are not evil. I have been guilty of such a judgment. Somewhere in my quest to honor God with my emotions I confused emotions with sin. We cannot fall into this trap. Emotions are created by God and can be used to glorify and enhance our love for Him. If we think that by snuffing or ignoring the existence of emotions is pleasing God, we have grossly missed the mark and discolored a fundamental distinction between humans and the rest of creation. So rather than disdaining our emotions, we must learn how to properly and biblically facilitate them.

Let's start at ground level. God made us. He made emotions. So obviously He can direct us in the right course on how to handle them. Emotions are not the truth, but they can align with (or contradict) the truth. The key is to create (or rather discover in Scripture) a bold, unwavering line in which we can examine our emotions to see if they align to God's standard. We should never act on or build upon a shifty foundation, and our emotions are capricious and make horrible footings. We need something stronger and immovable as our foundation -- we need the Word of God to consent or condemn the changing colors of our feelings.

All this sounds good and most of us know this, but how do we practically apply this to those, to borrow Anne of Green Gables' term, "depths of despair" days? I see it like this: Last year I had a thriving jasmine vine whose sole desire was to spread it's branches onto anything and everything it could reach. I bought a wooden trellis to give it some healthy direction instead of growing into high traffic areas on the back deck and getting torn or smashed, but it seemed like I had to re-position it back onto the trellis every morning because overnight it would get out of shape again.

We are exactly like that jasmine. Situations, irritations, people and hormones bend us out of shape and we lash out with purely emotional voltage. We wrap ourselves around unhealthy objects or follow unsafe patterns fed by our emotions that harm the people around us and ourselves, not to mention we sadden the heart of our Father God. Re-shaping our attitudes and feelings in accordance with God's Word (our solid trellis) is the only comfort and hope for the emotional soul.

SO ... the first point is to know what the Word says about how we are to feel; we are to be "increasing in the knowledge of God." Here are a few samples to refute or reaffirm disparate emotions.

• When feeling anxious, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything with prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” Philippians 4:6


• When feeling afraid, “When I am afraid, I put my trust in You.” Psalms 56:3


• When feeling uncertain, “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.” James 1:5


• When feeling depressed, “From the end of the earth I call to You when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for You have been my refuge.” Psalms 61:2-3


• When feeling alone, “For He has said, “I will never leave you or forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5


• When feeling stressed, “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28


• When feeling unloved, “But God demonstrates His own love towards us in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8

Secondly, don't be afraid to ask God for grace in times of need. Hebrews 4:15-16 assures us, "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Unlike ourselves, God's emotions are holy and stable -- so we are never going to catch Him in a "bad moment." He is sympathetic and merciful to the asking, needy heart. In my worst moments of emotional caos, one of the greatest aids is to stop, even if it is for a moment, and humbly ask God for grace. Taking a moment to assess the damage, define the cause, repent of failings, and welcome grace is the remedy for those crazy up and down emotions that we all expereince. And while we're at it, a good cup of camomile tea is defnitely a saving grace.

Questions from the Audience

Hello my blogging audience. It seems I am needing a little inspiration to get back motivated with my blogging, so I thought I would open a post for questions from my readers (that means you!). I will try to answer you questions in a following post in a few days. Questions can range from blogging (which, obviously, you may not want my advice on), Christianity, my life, books, music, femininity, or anything else you might think of. Maybe some of the answers can spark another train of thought I can salvage into a future blog post(s). Ask and you shall recieve. :)

(ps. the picture has nothing to do with this post, I just thought that the cupcake looked so good and I am really hungry.)

traveling stories

This morning I am waking up in a dimly lit hotel room (due to a spur of the moment family trip) where I am enjoying the freedom of this moment. My electric tea kettle just clicked off (folks, never leave your tea kettle behind) and now the pleasant and familiar aroma of black tea fills my little corner of the room. Pulling back the curtains allows the sunshine to breathe through the window and awakes my slumbering siblings. Good morning.

Traveling is always reflective for me. It influences me see in the third person, as if I am the narrator of a traveling story. It's a good chance to simply observe the surroundings without actually engaging in them, to watch people without having to know or fix every detail of their lives (as if that is possible).

But coming and going can also leave a person disconnected. And strangely I believe that is what most people feel even living in their own stories. We are just fraying humans searching for a common thread to connect us to something valuable and important. This is the tapestry of the world. If one could find the missing seam maybe our stories would make sense.

"The people who were sitting in darkness saw a great Light, and those who were sitting in the land and the shadow of death, upon them a Light dawned." (Matt. 4:16) "In Him was life, and the life was the Light of men. The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it. There was the true Light which coming into the world, enlightens every man." (John 1:4-5, 9)

Only in His story do our stories make sense.

I emerge!

Wow -- I am a terrible blogger. Has it really been over two weeks since my last blog post?! Crazy.

Yesterday was the last day of my semester and I am trying on summer break to see how it feels. I think I like it. Finals went well enough; God was exceedingly merciful in so many ways, as He always is. Right now I am eager to jump into a new schedule and study some of my personal interests.

And I just now realized how much I've missed blogging.

Having a place to organize and share my (sometimes random) thoughts is helpful to me in many ways. I just hope I haven't disdained my readers by my lack of interaction! Well, I am back again, and to the few of you who still check this blog -- thank you -- and hopefully you will hear more from me soon.

windows of life

Funny how windows become a mirror to what is inside a house at nighttime. We briefly experience what it feels like looking into our portholes, watching familiar forms and movements live and settle. What kind of people are we?

Talking on a cellphone.
Dishes on the table.
Faces on the television.
Candles on the mantle.

People muddling through life trying to understand our puzzles.

Do we seldom stop and look in the mirrors? If we idled long enough what would we see? Life is a moment, a green light before yellow, a sip before the swallow. Do I cherish the colors that stain the glass I look through?

surrender phobia

"Do you ever feel reluctant to pray "whatever it takes" prayers for fear that God might actually answer them?

The fear is misplaced.

The real danger lies in settling for less."

-- Jon Bloom

Stamped With Crimson Love

I wrote this poem in a hotel room a few hours after my grandmother's funeral. The words had been ringing in my ears all evening. I am so thankful for hope even in grief. Redemption is a tender comfort in death's pain.

darkened room
somber mood
lifeless face
casket closed

weeping eyes
tender hugs
heads are down
memories pulse

I look around this room of death
to see the smoldering flame of life
exterminated--
faces composed of reserve
repress the flood of emotion
waiting to surge

innocent eyes meet the truth:
death is closer than we feared
life is passing like a storm
as a sunset or the dawn
the light changes colors--

we are left alone in the dark
existence leaves a painful mark

human fate is sealed
gravity presses against our dreams
time we have or have not
brings strange focus

if life is short, where is the sweet?

hearts burn for hope
for purpose
for passion

hope is springing amidst the cold reality
from a source few think true--
but it throbs within every soul
like footsteps walking a lantern
into each dark chamber of your mind
searching for a wick to ignite

purpose is found in a simple story
painting dusty roads, thirsty people, a crucifixion
blood spills from a perfect mind
shame is draped upon a sinless form
and in a murder true life is found

passion seizes those who trust
in this man upon the cross
a small spark in a dying field
quickly unfurls and consumes it all

at last, we are found

the casket can be lowered
and covered beneath
but hope cannot be contained
it must be released

darkness has no choice but to flee
in the presence of a light
on the alter of a soul
redeemed and rescued by Jesus Christ

no fear can settle
no pain can desecrate
a life immortal and everlasting
stamped with crimson love

Stay Close

Far back as I can remember I have loved Psalms 73, especially the ending:

Whom have I in heaven but You?
And besides You, I desire nothing on earth.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
For, behold, those who are far from You will perish;
You have destroyed all those who are unfaithful to You.
But as for me, the nearness of God is my good;
I have made the Lord GOD my refuge,
That I may tell of all Your works.

Throughout the seasons of life, I find myself returning and feeding on the beautiful truths and comfort found here. Because honestly, at all times, I desire God's nearness above all. This psalm presents such an honesty about my frailty: my flesh and my heart fail me. They are unfaithful to trust in. And stability I seek can't settle upon either of these.

But Jesus -- sweet Jesus -- is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. He is a rock that is higher than I. He is the exact amount I need every day. When I lack courage and my knees shake under the fear, Christ infuses a perfect timely strength which enables me to keep walking in faith. When I struggle with desires for more, for seasons in the future, for what I don't have, Jesus is my portion. He is and gives exactly what I need for every moment. My cup is always full.

When I wander from His presence I dreadfully perish. My nurishement and hope is misplaced onto objects weak and vain, and I feel their deficientcy in my core. My good is found only in the Lord's nearness. He is my refuge and desire. My greatest need and purpose is to stay close to Jesus... for my joy is found in Him.

UPDATE:

This morning brought the news of my grandmother's death from cancer. I humbly ask for your prayers for my family and myself as we travel to participate in the funeral. Considering what I wrote in this post last night reminds me of the strength and portion He daily gives. His nearness is my greatest comfort.

Thank you for your prayers and comments! It means so much to know you are praying.

time to bloom

I am in one of those moods in which I have much to say -- but I can't get it out in a logical way. Anyone ever have those moments? I have begun about five or six blog posts all encompassing different subjects, but after reading over them . . . let's just say I want to spare you a few rabbit trails. I am attempting to make this post stick.

Today was a gorgeous day. I took a short walk outside just to observe the budding glory of springtime. Color is softly transforming the muted landscapes around me. Tiny delicate buds pop out of the ends of limbs and plants and spread tones of interest to our world. It's beautiful. It's a metaphor for so many subjects.

You may have heard the slogan "bloom where you're planted." I think many people might overlook the bravery and vulnerability it takes to "bloom." Think about it. Winter has snuffed any possible growth with it's frigid, unforgiving control for the past few months. Suddenly the world becomes warm again -- but who knows if it will last. The decision to bloom is dangerous. One delayed frost could stab tender life. Yet . . .

I see blooms.

There is a simple beauty -- a reckless trust -- about springtime. Nature believes that life is here to stay. Winter is over. Time has come to heal and grow. I understand that many of our lives are in this same season. Winter has been cruel. Perhaps we are afraid to ever grow again -- what if we are nipped in the bud?

Fear is our winter . . . yet it is time to trust Jesus enough to bloom in hope and faith. "Perfect love casts out fear..." (1 John 4:18) When the love of Christ has been perfected in us -- when it has mastered us -- our fear impishly sits down and courage rises. It's the beauty of abiding in the Vine.

Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in Me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing.  (John 15:4-5)

I don't know exactly what you may be facing or what pains winter has inflicted, but I do know that settling in the shadows is not the answer. Loving Jesus is about trusting Jesus; having His love season and infuse truth, joy, and strength in us. We can break forth and bear fruit because Jesus is completing the work He began in us.

Springtime is here. Time to bloom.

Faith's Appetite

The fight of faith is the fight to stay satisfied with God. “By faith Moses. . . forsook the fleeting pleasures of sin ... He looked to the reward” (Heb 11:24-26). Faith is not content with “fleeting pleasures.” It is ravenous for joy. And the Word of God says, “In God’s presence is fullness of joy, and in his right hand are pleasures for evermore” (Psalm 16:11). So faith will not be sidetracked into sin. It will not give up so easily in its quest for maximum joy.

The role of God’s Word is to feed faith’s appetite for God. And in doing this it weans my heart away from the deceptive taste of lust. At first lust begins to trick me into feeling that I would really miss out on some great satisfaction if I followed the path of purity. But then I take up the sword of the Spirit and begin to fight. I read that it is better to gouge out my eye than to lust (Matt 5:29). I read that if I think about things that are pure and lovely and excellent the peace of God will be with me (Phil 4:8). I read that setting the mind on the flesh brings death, but setting the mind on the Spirit brings life and peace (Rom 8:6).

And as I pray for my faith to be satisfied with God’s life and peace, the sword of the Spirit carves the sugar coating off the poison of lust. I see it for what it is. And by the grace of God, its alluring power is broken.

The challenge before us then is not merely to do what God says because He is God, but to desire what God says because he is good. The challenge is not merely to pursue righteousness, but to prefer righteousness. The challenge is to get up in the morning and prayerfully meditate on the Scriptures until we experience joy and peace in believing “the precious and very great promises” of God (Rom 15:13; 2 Peter 1:4). With this joy set before us the commandments of God will not be burdensome (1 John 5:3) and the compensation of sin will appear too brief and too shallow to lure us.

--John Piper (source)

Spring Fever

My little sister reminded me a few days ago that it has been over a week since I posted on this blog. Please forgive my unexplained absence! It seems that every time I sit down to type something more demanding steals my attention, and thus a lack of posts. In addition -- spring is outside! Phew, it has been a long wait for me but at last it is finally here! I am so thankful for simple things like springtime.

My head has been buzzing with possible blog post suggestions and I am trying to push them out, but I confess my sunny windows beckon me nearer all too often. Yet keep an eye out -- you may see new posts soon.

For now I will leave you with a quote I have been pondering on:

“At the root of all our disobedience are particular ways in which we continue to seek control of our lives through systems of works-righteousness. The way to progress as a Christian is to continually repent and uproot these systems the same way we become Christians, namely by the vivid depiction (and re-depiction) of Christ’s saving work for us, and the abandoning of self-trusting efforts to complete ourselves. We must go back again and again to the gospel of Christ-crucified, so that our hearts are more deeply gripped by the reality of what he did and who we are in him.” -- Timothy Keller

May our hearts become more deeply gripped by the glorious gospel of Jesus.

Can I Trust God?

Have you ever asked yourself, "Why should I trust God?"

Trust is a delicate issue. No one can simply "produce" trust just because we are commanded to. Trust comes as a result of knowing, believing, and resting in the character or stability of something or someone. This directly relates to trusting in the Lord as well. We can't trust God if we don't know God.

In my quiet times, I have been meditating a lot on Psalms 37, especially verse 3. It says, "Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness." Cultivate faithfulness can also read feed on His faithfulness. Can understanding God's faithfulness relate to our trusting in Him? I believe so.

In Lamentations 3:21-25 it says, "This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope. The LORD'S loving-kindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. "The LORD is my portion," says my soul, "Therefore I have hope in Him." The LORD is good to those who wait for Him, to the person who seeks Him."

After I dissected those verses a little bit, I made a list of God's character traits explained in these verses that effect and even produce trust in God. Here is what I came up with:

• His loving-kindness never ceases.


• His compassion never fails.


• His faithfulness is great.


• He is my portion.


• He is my hope.


• He is good to those who wait for Him.


• He is good to those who seek Him.

This small list contains huge, life-altering truths that are pertinent to my trusting in the Lord. I can trust Him because His compassion never runs out. I can trust Him because He is my hope in terrifying times. I can trust Him because He is good to those who wait for Him and seek Him. His faithfulness to me is GREAT. His faithfulness reaches to the skies (Ps. 36:5). My heart can rest securely in His character and His promises.

So, can I trust God? ... yes. A thousand times, yes.

complete trust

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

How many times have I heard that verse? 50 times? 100? And yet, how often do I obey it? I can tell you, those numbers are much smaller. Trust is something I am striving to apply in my life right now. There are so many things I am hoping for... waiting for... and I am trusting God to bring what needs to be brought and hold back what needs to wait. Leaning on my own understanding is such a temptation for me. My view is only a partial outlook -- but I still attempt to make decisions based only on what I can see. God sees all things. He is wise and all-knowing. But my stubborn heart loves to lean on my limited vision of life instead of His.

Why? Because I trust in me instead of Him.

Trust involves two things: letting go and holding on. And those are not conflicting. Right now in my life, I am having to let go of what I can't control and release the future, my heart, and my desires into God's hands. But I also hold onto Him. Even tighter.

Trusting in myself is never a good idea.

Thus says the Lord: "Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength, whose heart turns away from the Lord. He is like a shrub in the desert, and shall not see any good come. He shall dwell in the parched places of the wilderness, in an uninhabited salt land. Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.” (Jeremiah 17:5-8)

My flesh is not my strength, yet I rely on it all too often. I want to be like the tree planted by the waters, a woman who has complete trust in her God. Who releases what I cannot control or understand, and clings securely to God, who is worthy of trust.

"Commit your way to Him, trust also in Him, and He will do it." (Ps. 37:5)

A Prelude to Spring

I miss green.

My eyes are weary of gray. Winter's chilly canvas stultifies the comfort and enjoyment I love about the outdoors. I miss the warmth. The color. The fragrance. When, O spring, shall you come again? A few weeks ago I began to miss spring scenery so much, that I went to the grocery store and purchased a cute little houseplant to put on my desk (yes, houseplants can be cute). Looking at it refreshes the pleasant memories I have of gardening and awakened life.

I keep reminding myself that winter is not permanent. Nor are the seasons I find myself in. The times will change and already I can see the crocus budding through the cold, hard earth. I cheer it on. The tips of the tress are changing shapes. Tiny buds are beginning to form. I long to smell the apple blossoms and gather wildflowers for the kitchen table. Please hurry, Spring.

Is anyone else experiencing winter woes? Do you long for spring to bloom?

the beauty of abiding

It is an unusual feeling to realize I can do nothing.

Let that soak in. I am making you wait for the next phrase. Yes, the verse continues, "I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing." (John 15:5) But I don't really believe that most of the time, or at lease I don't live like it. If I was a branch (that is a funny phrase...), I would be climbing up the trellis of life, typically unaware that my sustenance and vitality comes from the Vine I am implanted in. If I am growing, it inevitably means that I am connected to the Vine.

Still further, if I am not growing -- there is only one possible conclusion. I have ceased to abide in the Vine. And there I am, fruitless and able to do nothing apart from the Source of my life.

When I think about the word "abide," I often picture something like a glove or umbrella. The word creates for me a vision of envelopment and enclosure. When you slide a glove onto your hand, the glove moves with your gestures; it is conformed to the image and mission of your hand. Also with an umbrella, if located directly under it's wings, you are protected from the dangerous and troubled weather. In both cases, the enveloped and protected are "abiding" in their individual ways.

I want my life to represent both. I want to attain an absolute closeness to the Father's hands, making His missions mine, and His movements my own. I also desire to dwell securely under His protection, to fully rest under His sovereignty and faithful grace. Just as every branch is deeply embedded into the main vine, I want my life to wrap around--to center on--Jesus. And for me, the first step towards authentic abiding is recognizing my total insignificance without Him. I can do absolutely nothing without Him. Honestly.

When I look into the face of an infant, I see in their eyes what I desire. They are recklessly dependent upon a source other than themselves, but yet (most of the time) they are peacefully content and trusting. They sleep in the arms of their parents. They smile naturally at their providers. They rest and abide in the faithful provision and care of their guardian.

How much more should I abide in the arms of my Lord? He is actually beyond comparision to earthly parents. His ways are perfect and everlasting. And He invites us to abide in His love (John 15:9). Finding solace and strength in the only True Vine allows me to live fruitfully and to thrive amidst life. The connection is sure. And my heart rejoices in the closeness of Christ. "As for me, the nearness of God is my good..." (Ps. 73:28)

A Centerpiece

I did something unusual the other day. I wrote in the first space of this week in my day planner "time with God."

You might assume me to be very devout and spiritual, but actually -- when I got to thinking about it later, I am quite foolish. The fact that I must "pencil" God into my day reveals something in me that contrasts holiness, maybe even borders heathenism. What I thought was godly prioritizing was in fact placing God in a time slot.

I try to be careful and keep God at the top of my priorities. You know, "seek first the kingdom of God." But I never realized that squeezing Him into an upper compartment of my life was actually degrading His value and encompassing worth. Knowing and honoring Jesus doesn't simply involve bumping Him up to the top of my "to-do" list. What does He want? Where does He belong in my life?

He must be at the center.

Throughout my day, as I am busy following my schedule, working on activities, interacting with people, and completing assignments ... all this should revolve around Him, instead of "start out" with Him. If I take Him into every activity, every relationship, and every circumstance He will saturate me and those around me, enabling me to walk by faith and love others unconditionally and support those who are weak. I need Him in every moment, not just the morning slot of my day. His presence should permeate life.

Charlie Hall sings a song called Center that proclaims this chorus:

Christ be the center of our lives
Be the place we fix our eyes
Be the center of our lives
We lift our eyes to heaven
We wrap our lives around your life
We lift our eyes to heaven, to You

It is my fervent desire that my life is wrapped around His life -- instead of the other way around. God must become the centerpiece of my heart and the place I fix my eyes. I want "to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God," (Eph. 3:19) and to carry that fullness into every day.

Sweet Infusion

Have you ever watched a teabag sink into a cup of steamy water and observed the strands of color glide out of the teabag and paint the water? I know I am probably insane, but I love watching tea infuse. A spicy aroma climbs out of the cup soaking the air and enhancing the practice of drinking tea.

I have a glass plate sitting above my bed that reads: "Women are like tea bags. We don't know our true strength until we are in hot water." (Eleanor Roosevelt)  Lately, I have not been pleased with my heart's infusings. Life's hot water is revealing in me a complaining spirit and burdened disposition. Despite my efforts to conceal it, the fragrance of what is inside cannot be hidden. One of my favorite verses reminds me of what fragrance I am to be diffusing.

But thanks be to God, who in Christ always leads us in triumphal procession, and through us spreads the fragrance of the knowledge of him everywhere. For we are the aroma of Christ to God among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing ... (2 Corinthians 2:14-15)

It saddens me to say that my aroma has been infused with sin and self-sufficiency rather than Jesus' redemption and my utter dependency on Him. I was confronted with this truth a few days ago, and sweet repentance came. God must transform my heart for there to ever be a sweet fragrance filling my surroundings. I pray my relationships, duties, and presence reminds people of the knowledge of Jesus and not my humanly corruption. Holiness begins in the heart and then saturates everything around it.

I want the seasons of "hot water" to reveal God's refinement, sanctification, and true strength to the people around me, diffusing a holy knowledge that has saved my life.

Giver of Wisdom

For the Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.—If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.—For the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men.—But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise . . . so that no human being might boast in the presence of God.

The unfolding of your words gives light; it imparts understanding to the simple.—I have stored up your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you.

And all spoke well of him and marveled at the gracious words that were coming from his mouth.—“No one ever spoke like this man!”—He is the source of your life in Christ Jesus, whom God made our wisdom and our righteousness and sanctification and redemption.

Prov. 2:6; Prov. 3:5; Jas. 1:5; 1 Cor. 1:25; 1 Cor. 1:27, 29; Ps. 119:130; Ps. 119:11; Luke 4:22; John 7:46; 1 Cor. 1:30 (Read full verses...)

This was my Daily Light this morning. I found it to be a great comfort and a reminder of where true wisdom is found. Hope it is a blessing to you as well.

Off-White Comparision

While unloading the dishwasher the other day, I wiped dry one of my favorite tea mugs and prepared to place it in the cabinet. I noticed behind the rows of coffee mugs, deep in the shadows of the cabinet, the glimpse of a familiar mug I had been looking for. Reaching far back into the dark space, I pulled out the lost cup. Pleased at my findings, I sat my two mugs side by side on the self as to not forget to use them both. Only then did I notice an obvious difference between them. Designed to be identical, one of the elegant white cups now looked altered. The mug I had retrieved from the dishwasher was slightly darker than the recently rescued one.

I quickly concluded that my daily black tea had quietly stained my frequented cup. I hadn't noticed the difference until I compared it with the originally intended color. "Funny how things can change without me noticing," I thought to myself. I shrugged off the matter and went on to unload the rest of the dishwasher.

It wasn't until a little later that God used the incident to remind me of a principle He had been teaching me. Someone I know had recently brought up the question, "Why do we need to study God's Word?" I thought it to be an absurd question. We are Christians ... reading the Bible is what we do. But that is no answer for a skeptic, or a Christian. Studying God's Word is like holding up the perfect, unstained coffee mug to the one we use every day. Do they compare? Are they the same color? Where and how are we stained?

God's Word is the standard, not the environment around us. Oftentimes I pardon myself by comparing my character, responses, and worldview with the people around me. "Oh, I am not as bad as them..." kind of stuff. This is why we must daily be confronted with the Word. It flatters nothing. It holds the truth about how we are to live and grow. And it shows us where we are getting stained.

Like my tea mug, becoming stained happens quietly. Every morning the color of my mug grew darker in it's complexion, but ever so slightly. If not for the rediscovery of the unsoiled mug, I wouldn't have known anything was different about my cup, or that it needed a better scrubbing. The Bible is the same way. It shows us the perfect standard. Paul compared it to "looking in a mirror," it reveals the true person.

But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like. But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing. (James 1:22-25)

Now on to the "doing" ...  and the scrubbing.

A little application.

We had such a beautiful sunrise this morning. Rays of warm sunshine spilled into every window of the house, as if gleefully urging sleepy people to wake up and explore the new day. I was glad to see it and enjoy it's warmth.

It seems that as much as I try to make time for blogging and other internet socialization, days go by without number and here I am *months* later... ok, slight exaggeration... still struggling to pull out a post or two. I miss having the time to sit and share out of the overflow of my heart and listen to your insights and experiences. Speaking of which, I have not yet responded to all of the vitally helpful comments on my previous post, but I wanted to thank you all for the encouragement. I loved hearing your opinions and struggles right now. It really helped me. Thank you.

God is teaching me so much, but mostly He is allowing me to apply what He's shown me. I feel like the things He has taught me in the last months have prepared me for this season I am walking in right now. He requires us to apply what we are learning--because that is the point of the Word ... to change us and transform our lives more into the image of Christ. There is a high responsibility that comes with knowledge; it requires application.

Applying the truth that we are learning in our inner man (or woman) is where we find the true value of God's Word and His character. I loved what Charles Spurgeon said:

The grand point is not to wear the garb, nor use the brogue of religion, but to posses the life of God within, and feel and think as Jesus would have done because of that inner life. Small is the value of external religion unless it is the outcome of a life within."

If what we are learning and applying will make us more like Jesus, then here lies the purpose and calling of our lives. We are to take up our cross and follow Him. No matter what.

That Longing...

John Piper spoke to my heart this morning. I have been wrestling within myself lately fighting back the sometimes overwhelming desire for marriage. This longing is so strong, and yet I do desire for true contentment in the Lord with or without a husband. But many times, I lose the battle God wants me to win. It is easier to sink into my swamp of self-pity and depression than to forsake all else and cling desperately to my Savior allowing Him to fill this need. But if I stay consumed with wanting marriage, I remain empty and grow more absorbed in my selfishness.

I don't know if any of you struggle with this same thing, but I wanted to post this video for you to watch, in hopes that you will be encouraged just as I have been to fix my eyes on Christ instead of some unfulfilled desire. We can't be consumed with anything but Jesus Christ. He's what we're looking for.



"Whom have I in heaven but You? And earth has nothing I desire besides You. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Those who are far from You will perish; You destroy all who are unfaithful to You. But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge; I will tell of all Your deeds." Psalms 73:25-28

simple seeking

This is my anthem this morning...

"You have said, “Seek My face.” My heart says to you,
“Your face, Lord, do I seek.” (Psalms 27:8)

Simple, but true. I love this verse.

What verses has God been impressing onto your hearts? I'd love to hear them.

Pardon My Poetry

It seems I can write nothing lately except poetry. I sit down to write a cohesive blog post and I can unearth nothing but unembellished verses. This really describes my mental state at present; only short phrases with simple meanings can escape from my head. Maybe I am stuck in this crazy world of rhymes and verse forever? Hum... we'll see. I am trying my best to mold a regular post out of this. Anyways, I just felt like I should explain my sudden poetic emergence...

I wanted to share an amazing verse that God showed me last week that I have been clinging to and resting on, especially in my current pace of life. I know many of you are pushing through seasons of hectic schedules and busy hours filled with required attendance and fruitful performance. But despite the natural good it is (or will) produce, we find ourselves completely overwhelmed and gasping for unpolluted air.

I seem to be in this place right now. Everything going on in my life is God-sent, and I feel called to do it. But there are moments when I am convinced I am absolutely going to loose my mind, or at least blow a mental fuse. There is so much to get done, and time just evaporates before my eyes. I feel shaken and weak, tottering on this metaphoric scale of productivity and squandered minutes.

But God sees me through my chaos-infused cloud of efficiency and speaks soft words into my fluttering heart. Here is the verse that brought fresh winds of hope:

"Cast your burden on the Lord, and He will sustain you; He will never permit the righteous to be moved." (Psalms 55:22) Such simple poetry, but it spoke through the layers of hectic distractions and calmed me. I was further blessed when I read that the "your burden" mentioned in the verse could also be translated "what He has given you." Basically, I am to give back to Him what He has given me for the sustainment and stability I need. He will not permit me to be moved or shaken. He will sustain me throughout this journey. Wow.

I pray this is a word of encouragement to you too as you work diligently on the things He has given you, and that you will trust Him for sustainement and cast everything you have to do at His feet. He will not allow the righteous to be moved. I testify that this is true.

Scraps of Words

Lord I struggle putting words on paper tonight--
for who shall see and who shall judge?
Worry is a weight around my neck.
It chokes the growth and life I love.
Let me breathe.

My heart is a treasure chest filled with simple words of beauty,
but I have lost the key and it remains locked.
This wall won't budge that I've been pushing.
Make it move.

Chaos and stress are laying their bricks,
building these walls higher and higher
and I am left lonely and enclosed by consuming fear
of failure and pride.
Break the wall.

God, I feel the breeze filtering through my gaps,
I want You more than this closed-in kingdom I've created.
Sing me Your songs of redemption and truth,
let me know that this hymn is pulling me to You.
I feel Your touch.

Reaching, yearning, crying for You--
Nothing else will satisfy, I know that now.
Take me back to simple things, like melody and peace.
Lay my head back on Your shoulder.
I trust again.

Seeking and Finding

So I have been mulling over my "special" verse, especially this past weekend, and have come up with a few more questions and insights. I was asking the Lord yesterday what it actually means "to seek" Him. Is it praying before bedtime? Reading His Word everyday? Doing Bible study two days a week? What is it? Today I finally grabbed my Bible dictionary and looked up the word "seek," and found surprising results. It simply means "to seek in order to find." (profound, I know)

This may sound basic, but when I apply it to seeking God I learn incredible things. I am looking for something; meaning I may not have found it yet. Reading a chapter in Psalms for my quiet time may not be all there is to "seeking God" today. Every day is different with new things to discover. There is no written formula etched in stone on "how I should seek God today." Seeking God involves looking, and searching, and reaching, and ultimately finding.

I try to insert God into my formula. I assume God is happy if I set aside ten minutes in the morning to "seek Him." But really, God is not a coffee maker to be turned on every morning for my regular cup. He is like the wind-- every day He is doing something new, going somewhere different, showing something fresh. That is why I must seek. It's like a treasure hunt, except much bigger with much greater rewards. And the best thing is, we do find what we are looking for. It may not be what we thought it was... but it is exactly what we need.

China Soul

Soul like china slowly cracking,
loosing strength with just one fall--
spinning off the table
or thrown against the wall.

On the surface I show beauty
embellished roses on my face--
skin deep reveals only fragile pieces
broken by this crazy pace.

Gentle hands please hold this soul
that is chipped around the edge.
Careful whispers pull me close--
Lord, let me feel Your hedge.

Use this broken pottery,
I surrender all the pieces.
Heal the cracks, mend the scars,
fill the void with tender mercies.

Wimpy Womanhood

"Wimpy theology makes wimpy women ... Wimpy theology simply does not give a woman a God that is big enough, strong enough, wise enough, and good enough to handle the realities of life in a way that magnifies the infinite worth of Jesus Christ. Wimpy theology is plagued by woman-centeredness and man-centeredness. Wimpy theology doesn’t have the granite foundation of God’s sovereignty or the solid steel structure of a great God-centered purpose for all things.

The ultimate meaning of true womanhood start[s] by stating this great God-centered purpose of all things: God’s ultimate purpose for the universe and for all of history and for your life is to display the glory of Christ in its highest expression, namely, in his dying to make a rebellious people his everlasting and supremely happy bride. To say it another way, God’s ultimate purpose in creating the world and choosing to let it become the sin-wracked world that it is, is so that the greatness of the glory of Christ could be put on display at Calvary where he bought his rebellious bride at the cost of his life.

It is not wimpy to say that God created the universe and governs all things to magnify his own grace in the death of his Son for the salvation of his bride. That’s not wimpy. And it doesn’t lead to wimpy womanhood.

But it does lead to womanhood. True womanhood. In fact, it leads to the mind-boggling truth that womanhood and manhood—masculinity and femininity—belong at the center of God’s ultimate purpose. Womanhood and manhood were not an afterthought or a peripheral thought in God’s plan. God designed them precisely so that they would serve to display the glory of his Son dying to have his happy, admiring bride."

--John Piper on The Ultimate Meaning of True Womanhood

Childhood Whispers

When I was young, countless adults informed me to cherish my fleeting childhood years instead of wishing to be older, for time will pass, they said, and I might regret not enjoying these seasons of childhood simplicity. At the time, I couldn't fully understand the value of childhood, since I had known no other season in life, and their advice was polar opposite to my dream of becoming an adult and doing fun, grown-up things.

Well the sun has crossed the sky, and I can now only wistfully glance back at the shadows of my childhood, indeed with a little regret that I didn't adore them more. How I would love be transported back for just a day... to close my 6th grade Math book and bolt outside into the fresh, embracing outdoors. I would saddle up my old friend Silver, and fill my saddlebags with snacks and a notebook. Then off to the woods I would go; jumping fallen oaks, splashing through clouded puddles, then breaking through the wood line and dashing across the open fields and into the sunset.

I can still taste that freedom; that safe carelessness. And I kinda miss it today...

Still Alive, Barely...

Posting has really slowed down! Life seems to be spinning crazily around me, and I am trying to hold onto a few spare moments for blogging. One reason for my lack of internet presence has resulted from the flu I caught last week. It has been an exhausting few days. Life was moving rapidly beforehand, but now having the flu has made everything move in painful slow motion. Hopefully God can bring some balance here soon. :)

I keep going back and rereading my last two posts describing the importance of seeking God, and hold those truths up to my daily standard. I think God allowed me to publish those posts to remind me of where He wants me right now. Whether I am studying for exams or pre-quizzes for college, or lying on the couch sick, or reading an encouraging book on the gospel, all I do should be echoes of my passionate pursuit of Jesus Christ. Seeking first His kingdom and not my own. Loving Him though pain and pleasure, and making an effort to know Him more every day. I have to keep this focus... this is where true life is. Lord, help me remember that.

I hope I can return to more substantial posting soon. I have a few drafts in my folder that I should be letting out before long.

Keep Seeking

"Therefore if you have been raised up with Christ, keep seeking the things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is our life, is revealed, then you also will be revealed with Him in glory." Col. 3:1-4 NASB

You might remember from my last post that I shared a verse God is constantly bringing up in my life and conversations: "Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added unto you." (Matt. 6:33) Well, this past weekend, the conference I attended had this verse as a underlining theme - seek God passionately, faithfully, consistently. I sat in awe of God the entire weekend. It was a special reminder from God to keep seeking Him, which is a message my heart desperately needs to hear.

There are so many distractions. So many excuses. I have been telling myself that I am seeking God amidst all of life's flutterings, but God's Word has revealed my selfish motivations and infatuation with busyness. I look at the lives of the heroes in the faith, like Abraham and Paul who recklessly sought God's nearness and guidance, and compare their devotion to my own. Does it align? Or maybe touch the hem?

Ah, but God has set my heart on fire again with a passion to pursue Him at all costs. Whatever life holds or hides, may my heart learn this verse like a childhood lullaby, to seek Him faithfully above everything else. For Jesus came "that they should seek God, in the hope that they might feel their way toward Him and find Him. Yet He is actually not far from each one of us..." (Acts 17:27-28)

That Simple "One Thing"

This week is turning into one of the longest week of my life - and it isn't over yet! I am narrowly adjusting to this new college load, all while fighting to keep a little time set aside for the things that matter to me. It has definitely been challenging to my normal daily schedule. I noticed instantly within the first few days that skipping my quiet time would appear a "convenience" in order to get to the more "important" duties of the day. But despite a heavy load of studying Bible content, it still doesn't satisfy my soul's need for personal, intimate time with Jesus and His Word. This is my reason for I titling this post like I did. Jesus' simple requirement of wholehearted devotion is battling for life in my mornings lately. Focusing on the "one thing" He spoke of to Martha's busy soul, echoes in my ears today. I want to be faithful.

Have you ever had those seasons in which one verse keeps popping up in conversations, homework, blog entries, and elsewhere? This has been happening with me lately. "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." (Matt. 6:33) I often cruise right over this verse due to familiarity, but God has been hammering this into my heart this year. Above all else - seek His kingdom, seek His righteousness, seek Him. Then, according to this verse, all the rest will be added. When Jesus is in focus, the world and my desires are where they should be, in the background.

Just thought I would share that thought with you all today. I know my blogging was a bit sparce this week, but hang in there with me! It may sound weird, but one of the blessings in my day is reading your comments and beautiful insights on life and the Word. Thank you!

This weekend, (starting today) I am traveling to yet another conference through Monday, so blogging will again have to subside for this weekend. I pray you all have a blessed day, and that God reveals more of Himself to you as you seek first the kingdom. Happy Saturday! :)

Starless Sky

I feel like I haven't stopped moving or thinking since 7am this morning, and I am just now finding a chair at 10pm to rest my overwrought feet. I don't think life is going to slow down much for me. On Monday I started the new adventure called Distance Education that will begin to rob most of my peaceful days and creative nights. I am working towards an AS in Bible which involves studying a lot of Bible (which is the fun part), English, Evangelism, and Math (ick!). But this journey should prove beneficial I think, since God has miraculously directed my path to weave down this course. Woman makes her plans, but God directs her steps. (my edition of Proverbs 16:9)

Tonight I exited my car weighed down with bags and books, racing to the indoors where warmth awaited. I happened to glance upward into the starless sky, thinking how appropriate seeing how I also didn't really have anything to write tonight. My blogging might slow down a bit through this busy learning season, but I hope to continue letting words and thoughts flow onto paper (or computer), and hopefully encouraging my readers in the process.

It should be a fun, interesting ride.

Deciding Between What We Know and What We Feel

This is such a great subject to send to the archives just yet. So I thought I would attempt to add a few more insights and verses today. This subject is close to my heart, but even closer to the reality of my daily personal struggles. And despite my biased assumption that I have mastered my emotional chaos, the facts tell a different story. How I respond, react, and plan mostly depends on what I am feeling at the time. I would like to grow more solid in my emotional life by resting and grounding myself in the truth - trusting what I know rather than what I feel.

I think this subject can get slightly confusing because emotions are so unexplainably varied. At times our emotions align with the truth, and other times they are opposite. It can get tricky. Thankfully, God's Word talks clearly on this subject by offering personal examples and solid principles. God wants us to know His heart on this.

Psalms 22 is a great illustration and provides tender help for this topic. In the following verses, David is struggling emotionally, but continues to keep a steady trust in God, letting his knowledge of God dictate his responses and commitment.

"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are You so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry by day, but You do not answer, and by night, but I find no rest. Yet You are holy, enthroned on the praises of Israel. In You our fathers trusted; they trusted, and You delivered them. To You they cried and were rescued; in You they trusted and were not put to shame." (Ps. 22:1-5)

David is trusting in Truth rather than his feelings. It evidently feels like God has abandoned him. He cries day and night and yet nothing is happening, God is not answering. But David doesn't let this mere emotional destitution to cause him to forsake or distrust God. David goes back to the truth: God has not forsaken him, just as God did not forsake the people before him who trusted in the Lord. David is sincerely honest about what he is feeling, and then there is the "yet". Let this be a sample for our prayers: "God, I feel destitute and forsaken. Yet I know You are near, You are here, and You will help. I believe that."

This is called aligning our emotions with the truth.

It gets even worse for David before this Psalm ends. The people around him start to mock David's faith in the Lord and God Himself. Now two sources are pointing out God's absence: David's emotions and the outside world. This is where it gets hard. This is where faithfulness above feelings comes into painful practice.

"But I am a worm and not a man, scorned by mankind and despised by the people. All who see me mock me; they make mouths at me; they wag their heads; “He trusts in the Lord; let Him deliver him; let Him rescue him, for He delights in him!” Yet you are He who took me from the womb; You made me trust You at my mother's breasts." (Ps. 22:6-9)

It comes down to what we trust: feelings or the truth about Jesus. Life can seem to confirm God's absence, but that simply isn't true. God declares over and over again, "I am here. I am with you." (Josh. 1:9, Heb.13:5, Ps. 73:23) Our job is to trust that He is telling the truth, because... He is.  David closes with this:

"You who fear the Lord, praise Him! All you offspring of Jacob, glorify Him, and stand in awe of Him, all you offspring of Israel! For He has not despised or abhorred the affliction of the afflicted, and He has not hidden His face from him, but has heard, when he cried to Him." (Ps. 22:23-24)

A Song of Faithfulness

While writing the previous post about remaining faithful to God over our feelings, this song kept resurfacing in my mind. I have to share it with you all. Brooke Fraser is the one who wrote and sings this beautiful masterpiece of a song... I love her music and lyrical quality. I will post the lyrics below as well as a video containing the song so you can listen while you read. I have held this song closely through many nights of weeping after God's presence. I hope you enjoy it just as much.

Faithful

There's distance in the air and I cannot make it leave
I wave my arms round about me and blow with all my might
I cannot sense You close, though I know You're always here
But the comfort of You near is what I long for

[CHORUS]
When I can't feel You, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can't hear You, I know You still hear every word I pray
And I want You more than I want to live another day
And as I wait for You maybe I'm made more faithful

All the folly of the past, though I know it is undone
I still feel the guilty one, still trying to make it right
So I whisper soft Your name, let it roll around my tongue,
knowing You're the only One who knows me
You know me

[CHORUS]

[BRIDGE]
Show me how I should live this
Show me where I should walk
I count this world as loss to me
You are all I want
You are all I want